new year

when i think about 2010 i think about Back to the Future II because i think that it is supposed to have taken place in 2010 or 11...at any rate, i am waiting for my hover board so that i can save on gas money. Do they exist yet anyways? I have been a horrible blogger. Perhaps i should just start posting some of my school papers up here and then the world would know what i am really thinking about. i got my grades back on my history papers and though they fall in the A- zone, i was still disappointed that they were not better. i have such a hard time getting grades that are lower than 90 percent. instead of being happy with how well i did, all i can think about it is why didn't i do better? and if someone did better than me how come i am not smart enough?

i feel like my life is the epidome of not good enough. like i am always reaching, but never attaining, always wanting but never getting, always searching but never finding...forever in the middle, not bad, but not the best. Growing up in school class pictures i was always in the middle row, the middle of the batting order, the back up pitcher, the back up guitarist, the second flute until the first flute wasn't there, too good for the college chorale but not good enough for the auditioned Chapel Singers...in adulthood the struggle has not changed. I am still struggling to find out what I can do that will be better than mediocre.

There is one thing that I discovered that I am good at. I am good at kids. I can entertain, make them laugh, capture their attention, distract them from poor behaviors, smile at temper tantrums, engage conversation, turn complicated into simple, and feel so confident in myself. 7 summers of camp, countless volunteer positions, coaching kindergym, 3 years as a daycare worker, college courses in child and adolescent development...i know kids. I am good at kids. But i don't know what i am talking about. I don't know what it is like. I don't know what I would do if it was my child. I don't really know. 47 months ago we decided that we were ready to be parents. I guess God didn't think so. So with all this experience, information, education, and passion, I guess I will remain in the middle. I am good at kids, but good enough.

2010. I know I am not old, but I am not young either. Time does not stop even when we are not ready for it to keep going. This year marks 10 years since I gradutated High School. I fear that I have not accomplished much in 10 years. I have no career, no children, just debt and apprehension about the future. I want to be better this year. I want to love who I am, be satisfied with where I have come, I want to trust God with my life and believe in His promises. Right now it is easier to believe that God's blessings are mostly for other people and I am still second in line, waiting for my turn. But I want it to be different. I want to like me. I want to like all that I have and be content with what it is. I want to learn that I am good enough. That's it for now.