Victorian Literature

"Is it not possible that God may hear my prayers, disperse these gloomy shadows, and grant me some beams of heaven's sunshine yet? Will He entirely deny to me those blessings which are so freely given to others, who neither ask them nor acknowledge them when received?" -Agnes Grey in Anne Bronte's Agnes Grey

Well, I don't entirely feel that my whole life is gloomy shawdows, but in reading this novel, this line of prose accosted me. It is a question I have asked to no one in particular many times. I just had to share it somewhere. I am writing my next paper for this course on the "plight" of the Victorian era governess as depicted in various novels. The assignment really was to read Jane Eyre and then come up with a thesis and write a paper...but when I decided to write about governesses in the era (Jane was a governess) I also decided to quickly read a couple more novels to get a broader understanding. So I found Agnes Grey online yesterday and am almost finished it now. I also want to read Vanity Fair before I start writing the paper as well. It is due next Friday. So that is why I stumbled across this statement. At any rate, I can identify with Agnes in some of the troubles that life throws. Unfortunately, I am not writing the novel of my life and therefore I can not determine whether there will be a happy ending where dreams come true or just an ending, plain and simple. Thats all for today.

Quote

Yearning for a baby is like missing someone you love, and have never met. - LaShaundra Seale

Just read this quote and thought I would share it. I posted a picture of Warren with our nephew Nate shortly after he was born. Nate's parents waited for him for 5 long years. He is truly a blessing to them. We are bordering on 5 years ourselves now, waiting for our baby, but with no end in sight. I wonder how long we will miss our baby?

Snuggles

I spent this morning snuggling with the most sweetest baby ever. I have decided that even if I can never be a mom, I can take all the emotion that I have saved inside me for my own babies and give it to baby Piper. She is such a little darling and I just don't want to miss a minute of her life. I am sooo blessed to be able to live in the same community as my brother and sister in law and have a relationship with them and be able to have a part in my niece's life.

I am taking part in the Wednesday morning Bible Study at church. Its a Beth Moore study called Living Beyond Yourself. It is about living in the Spirit and just this last Wed. we talked about allowing the Holy Spirit to fill your life above anything else. This is a true goal to aim for and I pray and hope that by allowing the Lord Jesus to fill my life, that my daily struggle (which consists mostly of feelings related to infertility) would be less evident and that He would be more evident. I have decided that I need to lay down this burden at the cross and LEAVE IT THERE. It is so easy to pick it up again and start carrying it alone.

Anyways, these were just some of my thoughts for right now.

My Come-back

My brother in law and sister in law recently left on a sabbatical in which they decided to start a blog in order to keep us locals in touch with what they are up to. As I have been reading their blog, I remembered that I had one too!! And so, though I don't think I have posted anything in over a year, I decided to write something and then see if my life has changed in the last year. It feels like nothing has changed. We are still the same. Our life still seems quite boring.

In the last year this much has happened:
I went back to school last September and graduated in April with my BA from Providence College.
I applied to University of Manitoba's education program.
I got rejected because they didn't like my Prov degree
The President of Prov talked to them and got my degree accepted
They rejected me again because two of my classes (from CBC) had the "wrong type of course numbers"
I got a job as a receptionist for a Real Estate company; the agents are awesome, the pay is...not as awesome
Warren and I planted grass in the back yard; it came in nicely
I pulled out some annoying daylilies
I planted a garden in spring
I canned Spaghetti Sauce and Pizza Sauce
I am now taking a course on Victorian Literature (to make up one of the two rejected courses)
I have no idea how to pay for said course
I only went to the beach once this summer
We are still renovating our house
6 people in my life have had babies in the last 3 weeks. I still have no babies
Today I became an auntie to a sweet little girl...this is very wonderful and very hard at the same time

3 down, 21 to go

My title refers the the amount of papers i have to write this semseter. I can't believe that even though i have one less class i have have almost double the amount of assignments!! Oh well. Most of them are only 5 or so pages so i will make it work. Today school was cancelled because of the biggest snow storm ever. Ok, not ever, but it was a real winter blizzard and i didn't even make it to Co op this afternoon. Complete whiteout!! I couldn't even see the parking lot from the street so i had to turn around in the middle of the street, which was also kinda scary since i could not see if there was any traffic nearby. Nevertheless, i made it home, safe and sound. I only wish our camera was not broken because it would have been great to post some stormy pictures. Currently, our backyard is so full of snow, that Camry cannot even navigate herself to a good peeing and pooping spot. She sinks right down. Thankfully, my dad came to town with the tractor this morning, cleared our driveway and also cleared a nice big spot in the front yard where at least she can get to. However, we also have the largest snowpile that this front yard has probably ever seen...I suppose it would be fun to get the toboggan out and see how it works for sledding. lol. I'll have to save the for a day when Warren can join me. Well, other than this random babbling, nothing else is new in the Neufeld life. Still just plugging along. OH! I sent away my U of M application last week. All i have left to do is the writing exercise on February 6th and then I wait. I only sent one application away...i was going to apply to U of W as well, but i just can't afford another application fee right now! Trying to trust that God has a plan. Whatever it may be. I really hope that I get in, but for now I just wait.

new year

when i think about 2010 i think about Back to the Future II because i think that it is supposed to have taken place in 2010 or 11...at any rate, i am waiting for my hover board so that i can save on gas money. Do they exist yet anyways? I have been a horrible blogger. Perhaps i should just start posting some of my school papers up here and then the world would know what i am really thinking about. i got my grades back on my history papers and though they fall in the A- zone, i was still disappointed that they were not better. i have such a hard time getting grades that are lower than 90 percent. instead of being happy with how well i did, all i can think about it is why didn't i do better? and if someone did better than me how come i am not smart enough?

i feel like my life is the epidome of not good enough. like i am always reaching, but never attaining, always wanting but never getting, always searching but never finding...forever in the middle, not bad, but not the best. Growing up in school class pictures i was always in the middle row, the middle of the batting order, the back up pitcher, the back up guitarist, the second flute until the first flute wasn't there, too good for the college chorale but not good enough for the auditioned Chapel Singers...in adulthood the struggle has not changed. I am still struggling to find out what I can do that will be better than mediocre.

There is one thing that I discovered that I am good at. I am good at kids. I can entertain, make them laugh, capture their attention, distract them from poor behaviors, smile at temper tantrums, engage conversation, turn complicated into simple, and feel so confident in myself. 7 summers of camp, countless volunteer positions, coaching kindergym, 3 years as a daycare worker, college courses in child and adolescent development...i know kids. I am good at kids. But i don't know what i am talking about. I don't know what it is like. I don't know what I would do if it was my child. I don't really know. 47 months ago we decided that we were ready to be parents. I guess God didn't think so. So with all this experience, information, education, and passion, I guess I will remain in the middle. I am good at kids, but good enough.

2010. I know I am not old, but I am not young either. Time does not stop even when we are not ready for it to keep going. This year marks 10 years since I gradutated High School. I fear that I have not accomplished much in 10 years. I have no career, no children, just debt and apprehension about the future. I want to be better this year. I want to love who I am, be satisfied with where I have come, I want to trust God with my life and believe in His promises. Right now it is easier to believe that God's blessings are mostly for other people and I am still second in line, waiting for my turn. But I want it to be different. I want to like me. I want to like all that I have and be content with what it is. I want to learn that I am good enough. That's it for now.