step by step

Lately I have really been realizing that every day is just like a step. If you try to jump too many at once you miss it's not always very fun. The other day I went back to Psalm 37:4...Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you your heart's desires." I have been avoiding that verse for over a year. Partly because I don't know if I believe that it is true for me and the other part because I felt like I need to start claiming that it can be true for me. I just wish that the author would have added this tag line: "in His time." That verse is so misleading.

All I have ever wanted is to be a mom...and my frustration with our infertility journey comes in waves. I can forget it for a while and pretend that it does not exist (easy to do during the week when I am at Prov because everyone there is like 21 and unmarried) but then comes the part of my life that is my life here in Morden. Small group, church, baby showers, babies born, pregnancy announcements, "Family" Fun Night, play group,...and it all comes crashing back. And that freaking verse about delighting in the Lord...His promise to give me my heart's desires...have I not been delighting enough? The Bible also talks about how children are a reward from God and "blessed is he whose quiver is full" (just talked about that in my Child Development class last week). Am I not deserving of this reward? Am I not blessed? Does God not want to bless me? Have I done something for him to think that I would not make a good parent and so he has decided to withold blessing? Or maybe my marriage is not strong enough or we don't have enough money, or our house is not big enough...Of couse I don't believe these last things, but I think about them.

I feel like my life is these two seperate worlds right now. Like I don't quite fit completely in either world. It's hard enough as it is being in the minority of those who can't have kids, but now? Now it is like I am a square trying to fit into a round hole. Nothing makes sense. I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask?

On the bright side of things, the part of me that still feels whole, I am enjoying every moment of being in school. Even math went ok this week. I love learning and it has been good to have something that is mine. I am looking forward to being a teacher one day. But there I go again. Jumping ahead. It is so hard to be content in the place that I am and on the step that I am on when i just want to be at the top already!!

new

i think i am taking the plunge. not sure how i am going to pay for yet...unless the student loan comes through in time, but i decided to go back to school. So it is off to Prov this fall to finish my BA in Interdisciplinary Studies and then I hope to apply and get into Education at U of M for the fall of 2010. So three years of full time school, commuting, and homework. I am crazy. but really, what else am I going to do with my life? plan A failed, so here is plan B. Deep inside, I still wish plan A would work out...but, plan B is ok, and for now i am excited to have a goal and purpose in my life. So summer is pretty near over, although today i spent a great day in altona at the pool with friends. that was fun. and it was nice out. But it is September and for me September has always felt like a time for new beginnings. So here is my new beginning. This semester will consist of 6 classes (yes, I am crazy), 5 days a week of commuting, 4 of those days being for 830am classes (so excited about that *sarcasm*), hopefully selling enough Pampered Chef to put food on the table and hopefully still being a good wife and not neglecting Warren too much. He still comes first. I am anxious and excited at the same time. All of me is this flurry of emotion right now and I am not sure what to think. I feel like i am at this crossroad in my life. I feel too old to go back to school. I feel like this will take me one step further away from my peers. I feel like this will make me be even more left out of certain things, because now I am not only not a mother, but I am a student. Certainly not anywhere in the same lifeboat as 95% of the people in my life. So that is also frustrating. Here, in my desperate desire to be included, to fit in, to have something in common, the only thing attainable is that which pushes me further away. In the end it will be good, but right now, it is daunting. If only I could just skip the next 20 years of my life and move to where the rest of our friends will be in the empty nest stage. At least then we would fit in again.