maybe never

i hate feeling inside like i am such a jerk. i just don't belong in my age group anymore. everytime i find out that yet again someone in my life is expecting their first baby it is not congrats that i feel for them. It is a physical pain in my chest and an inclination to burst into tears. it is anger and frustration and like i have slidden one rung lower on the ladder of fitting in with my peer group. and the worst part is that i am not happy for them. i dread the passing of each year knowing that "well, that couple has been married for so and so long now, so anytime it will be their turn to join the parenting club" and then, as i have known would happen, it happens. And I am left feeling this devastated because i KNOW i will never be able to share that news for myself. AH!!!! I just want to scream and usually I am not so publically angry that i would blog my real feelings without being sarcastic or making some joke (as if it isn't a big deal, being infertile) but tonight it is late and i do dumber things when it's late and i just don't care anymore. Everytime I start feeling like I am over the feelings of pain over this HUGE issue in my life something like this (a pregnancy announcement) comes my way and I just fall and get so sad and cry...and I am so mad at God for letting this be the way it is. It's like part of me is still holding on to the smallest bit of hope, deep down so far inside that usually i don't think it's there but it is! and I hate that hope because it is that hope that then reminds me of all the crap later on and...i don't know how to deal with this by myself. I don't know how to recover from the pain of longing. And only so few actually really understand this. But that is the thing, I don't want to sit with someone and just talk about it and not move on. I want to move on, but I don't think I can. I think that this curse of infertility will plague me for the rest of my life. All i ever wanted was to be a mom...to have my own kids and play with them, and love them, and do the whole nurturing, mothering things. It is soooo a part of me, so ingrained in my very being. Mothering comes to naturally to me and so WHY would God let this be the way it is? I say "let this be the way it is" instead of "let this happen to me" because i don't think that he let this happen. To say that he let this happen would be to say that he did not plan it and i have been trained to believe that God plans all things. So how can he be so sad with me in this but yet he planned it? I don't even want to understand. I just want to be sad right now. But I am so tired of grieving alone. Because that is how this always works. Me, by myself, crying in one of the rooms of our house, silently because warren doesn't like to talk about it. when will birth announcement and pregnancy announcements stop making me sad? When will they stop triggering this deep emotion that i wish was not there? maybe never.